Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.