Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”