Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
how long have you had this for?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
cat vs inanimate object
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
This 4th of July, please remember…
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*