Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that