Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.