Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

The future is now.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.