Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
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Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Breaking news:
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it