Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.