Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
You Might Also Like
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.