Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Hell yeah 👍
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.