Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
