Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Weighing up my bread heating options
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
