Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Truth
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
bartender: pick your poison
wicked witch of the west: water
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
