Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
