Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
the greatest twitter interaction
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
