Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Ion see the issue
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie