Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I think I’ll stand
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Go hard or stay average
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
