Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*