Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
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Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens