Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
🐕🍷
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Reporter: *ports again*
i could never be president. im overqualified.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.