Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.