Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

Go gym

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

This is so me 😂😂

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.