Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.