Funny Tweeter

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Page of bonehugsnirony's best tweets

@bonehugsnirony : me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

@ojedge: [first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

@coolauntV: barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??


barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

@DurtMcHurtt: [restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

@Ygrene: [first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

@NewDadNotes: Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!




Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

@roxiqt: An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

@solsayswhaaa: "Ohhhhhhhh, I can't take it anymore!" I moaned in agony. "Please, please, please just fucking go in already!" I fumbled in the dark but no matter how hard I tried, my charging cord would not go in the electrical outlet.

@abbycohenwl: Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you're not a weakass