Me: it’s the year 2200. You are dead and forgotten.
Guy: I meant what’s our future, damn.
It’s not that I don’t love my family…
…but I do find myself flagging down white vans quite a bit lately.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
guidance counselor: so I said dress for the job you want
young bruce wayne: *dressed like giant bat* yes
counselor: which is…?
young bruce wayne: beating up mentally ill clowns
counselor: is that—do you do anything else?
young bruce wayne: be summoned by flashlight
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman