USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My work here is done
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no