@comes_night

Me: it’s the year 2200. You are dead and forgotten.

Guy: I meant what’s our future, damn.

@mack44_d

It’s not that I don’t love my family…

…but I do find myself flagging down white vans quite a bit lately.

@SkippyMcGizzard

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

@Shade510

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

@JasonNotEvil

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

@TheAndrewNadeau

guidance counselor: so I said dress for the job you want

young bruce wayne: *dressed like giant bat* yes

counselor: which is…?

young bruce wayne: beating up mentally ill clowns

counselor: is that—do you do anything else?

young bruce wayne: be summoned by flashlight

@MetteAngerhofer

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

@dorsalstream

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

@ivanajokealot

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

@pilau

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman