Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of bonehugsnirony's best tweets

@bonehugsnirony : me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

@ojedge: [first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

@coolauntV: barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

@DurtMcHurtt: [restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

@Ygrene: [first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

@NewDadNotes: Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

@roxiqt: An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

@solsayswhaaa: "Ohhhhhhhh, I can't take it anymore!" I moaned in agony. "Please, please, please just fucking go in already!" I fumbled in the dark but no matter how hard I tried, my charging cord would not go in the electrical outlet.

@abbycohenwl: Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you're not a weakass