@ojedge: [first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
@coolauntV: barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
@NewDadNotes: Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
@roxiqt: An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
@solsayswhaaa: "Ohhhhhhhh, I can't take it anymore!" I moaned in agony. "Please, please, please just fucking go in already!" I fumbled in the dark but no matter how hard I tried, my charging cord would not go in the electrical outlet.