@PleaseBeGneiss: [getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
@JustMeTurtle: Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
@NewDadNotes: God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
@Alvildalikely: I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: 7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.