Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JimmerThatisAll's best tweets

@JimmerThatisAll : I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

@PleaseBeGneiss: [getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

@JustMeTurtle: Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

@OctopusCaveman: I had sex with a girl on a first date once. Boy was her date pissed.

@NewDadNotes: God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

@Alvildalikely: I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: 7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

@sixfootcandy: Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

@linkindrinkin: me [eating applesauce]: gimme cinnamon

cinnamon: it’s $25 per dance

@TheBoydP: How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1