I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married


Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons


Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??


Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high


WALMART is giving out FREE school supplies to anyone who can outrun security.


Friend: I think you have a problem with overusing contractions.

Me: It’s what it’s.


angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”


You ever heard a rumor about yourself and actually wanted to hear more 🤔
Like damn.. what did I do next 🤷🏻‍♀️