@clichedout

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

@TheToddWilliams

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

@ozzyunc

I want to be the optimistic person who posted on Facebook a year ago about how it was almost over.

@comes_night

My grandma didn’t want to share her recipes so she put them in an empty book called sex over 65.

@LloBrow

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

@EllaZee5

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

@dancingchimera

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

@deloisivete

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen