Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
@squirrel74wkgn: Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying...
@HomeWithPeanut: Me: What's a six-letter word for "unhurriedly?"
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t...i-s...a...s-i-x...
@UnFitz: [at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
@KentWGraham: I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
@MorticiaKate: Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
@FU_TangClan: me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
@traciebreaux: i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
@DrakeGatsby: Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.