USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
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That’s enough internet for the day
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I think the cat got the dog high.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.