Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this


exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break


Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.


If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”


8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.


Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.


octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses


He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?


if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years