I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Mistakes were made
me: I did a breast stroke
doctor: it’s called a heart attack
WALMART is giving out FREE school supplies to anyone who can outrun security.
Friend: I think you have a problem with overusing contractions.
Me: It’s what it’s.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
You ever heard a rumor about yourself and actually wanted to hear more 🤔
Like damn.. what did I do next 🤷🏻♀️