I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”


My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.


My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet


I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there


Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*


Welp. I did it. I just bleeping did it. I freaked out trying to find my lost glasses while wearing my glasses.

What’s worse is my kid was helping me and she didn’t notice either.

We would never survive in the wild


ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.


Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.


Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…