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Page of 1fragmentedmind's best tweets

@1fragmentedmind : This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long...
I’m going in myself.

@AbleLikes: I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I'm gonna die alone. But with cookies!

@TweetPotato314: [ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

@jonpinder3: “Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

@FU_TangClan: [watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

@brianbatescomic: Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

@_elvishpresley_: boss: david, you're fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me :)

@NotMarkAllen: [cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I'm a Prime member.
I'd like to complain that my shipping took three days.

@mela_shea: I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

@FU_TangClan: Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway