the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers