I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember