No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”