Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
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You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Every house has this drawer
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.