New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?