me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I will never stop laughing at this
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula