If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.