I love you to the refrigerator and back
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3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
im all 3
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.