(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints