whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
I love texting my boyfriend
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”