Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.