I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.