You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.