My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
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Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
He died doing what he loved: being alive
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
These 3D printers are insane!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes