Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie