Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
yes, those are my real potatoes.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”