Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Whisper out to librarians!
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal