Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?