God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…