[in bed]

Him: are you close?

Me: *eating KitKat layer by layer* don’t rush me, Kevin


me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*


If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.


[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or


me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles