The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.