@2tickytacky

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

@2tickytacky

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

@2tickytacky

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

@2tickytacky

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

@2tickytacky

Four uses I have for my guitar now:

1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing

@2tickytacky

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

@2tickytacky

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

@2tickytacky

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

@2tickytacky

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

@2tickytacky

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.