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@2tickytacky : I told her she's prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I've encountered.
@2tickytacky: I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
@2tickytacky: *keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
@2tickytacky: Psychiatrist: "Maybe you should be seeing a therapist."
Me: "You sure like spending my money, don't you?"
@2tickytacky: Cop: "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Shark: *eats cop*
@2tickytacky: I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
@2tickytacky: Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don't have.
@2tickytacky: I have a kidney to donate. It's not mine, so I don't know much about it.
@2tickytacky: In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don't really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
@2tickytacky: Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.