I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Four uses I have for my guitar now:
1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.