I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*