*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.