The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
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No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
i love modern commerce
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa