Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
M: *whispers* works every time
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?