Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : *wears a ballgown to son's baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she's embarrassing her family.

@3sunzzz: So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.

@3sunzzz: I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn't get it from me, I don't even vacuum.

@3sunzzz: When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, "Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out," or "Don't play with Hanna, she's not a nice girl," or "Tomorrow you're getting shots, don't cry."

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

@3sunzzz: M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

@3sunzzz: M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that's a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

@3sunzzz: [Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

@3sunzzz: If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

@3sunzzz: Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

@3sunzzz: It's 5pm and I'm pretty sure my husband's trying to get me drunk. Joke's on him, I've been drunk since noon.