@3sunzzz

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

@3sunzzz

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

@3sunzzz

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

@3sunzzz

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

@3sunzzz

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

@3sunzzz

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

@3sunzzz

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

@3sunzzz

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

@3sunzzz

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

@3sunzzz

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.