Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.