[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.