If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.