H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase