Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

@3sunzzz: The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

@3sunzzz: [lunch date]

"I'll have a salad."

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

@3sunzzz: In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

@3sunzzz: *carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It's my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT'S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

@3sunzzz: My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, "I've been married 25yrs," then I thought, "But I'll keep an open mind."

@3sunzzz: [first day in prison]

"I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face."

@3sunzzz: Stop blaming your parents.

You're 32.

Blame your spouse.

@3sunzzz: I'm not one to bet, but I'd put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

@3sunzzz: A millennial told me that he and his friends weren't on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, "Finally, we won!"