Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.