God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Me trying to look natural in photos
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?